The age old, million dollar question: How do you know it is true love, and that he or she is the one for me?
For the person asking this question, the most annoying answer is “When it is the right person, you just…know.”
It’s annoying because the person asking the question clearly does not know. If they did, they wouldn’t ask the question. And so they are left with “Well if I don’t ‘just know’, then it means that this isn’t the person for me?”
Not exactly helpful. For me, I went to Annie Lalla, NYC Love Coach and True Love expert, and I wanted to share her wisdom with you becuase it makes such great sense!
First of all, what is True Love?
I’m not talking some romantic, idealistic, fairytale perfection or myth. True Love is expansive. You know you’re in the presence of true love because you are empowered to become more of who you really are, your best self.
Annie says it best: “Only he (or she) can stretch you into the highest version of yourself.”
Beyond becoming more of your true selves, a beautifully expansive synergy is created between true love partners. True love is more than the sum of it’s parts, where 1 + 1 far exceeds 2 or 3 – it’s more like 10!
The individuals combined create something extraordinary. I describe it to my clients with this example:
Think of watching the most exquisite sunset in that place you’ve always wanted to travel, on your own. How beautiful is it? How inspired does it make you feel? Now compare that incredible and delicious feeling to how it would feel if you were watching that same sunset with the person you are totally in love with, and who in turn loves you like no other.
Clue #1: Your life is richer with them in it
Shared in love that moment is so much bigger, more alive, delicious and vivid. Love breathes colour and vivacity into life. Those experiences – everything from that once in a lifetime sunset to putting the kids to bed each night is richer.
Another signpost of true love is you can clearly see this person in your longterm future, and there is a “can’t live without them” feeling.
Clue #2: What happened to your rational self?
True Love is not rationale. Of course you could live without them, but it would be unbearable, a part of you would be lost without them.
As the song goes “I don’t want someone I can live with, I want someone I can’t live without.”
The way Annie describes this is you can see creating life with this person. Whether that is seeing him or her as the best Dad or Mom to your future kids, or it’s birthing something innovative, an idea, a business, your true love is the best partner for what ever you want to create in life.
Clue#3: You Feel Safe & Terrified
The third element of true love is feeling completely safe and at home with this person juxtaposed with triggering your greatest fears.
For example “I’ve never felt this whole & fulfilled, I am so lucky,” flashes to terror “what if something awful happens, and I lose them forever!”
Annie explains you know it is true love when “your deepest, darkest fears pop into your mind either when you’re really connected or mid-conflict.”
When you find true love, the stakes are high, you now have those heights of bliss contrast with a whole lot to lose. It can be a scary place to be!
This is why falling in love, and fully experiencing true love requires checking logic and rationale thinking at the door. As much as we want to make sense of, explain or rationalize it, the feeling of love lies in the completely different domain: Emotion.
To enjoy is to feel fully, to give up trying to control or understand it, to surrender fully in the free fall. Lovers must be willing to fail, embrace the uncertainty and dance on the edge.
When you start to feel that old anxiety creep up i.e. your mind working hard to maintain the status quo and talk you out of it, remember that true love is the greatest gift. It is our birth rite, and it is what life is all about. My advice? Take the plunge – it is worth it!